Ashley Horn Really Wants To Be A Lohan

Two years ago a woman named Kristi Hobson admitted to the public through InTouch that in 1995 Michael Lohan grunted on top of her and squirted man chowder into her vag which made a baby girl she named Ashley. The answer to the question “Who besides White Oprah actually says out loud that they fucked Michael Lohan?” had been answered. But Michael Lohan made Maury’s ears itch when he said he was not the father. Kristi immediately took Michael to court to force him to take a DNA test. Flash forward to 2 years later….

In this week’s Life & Style (with the battle for adorable mini Ken Doll on the cover), Kristi says that Michael never jizzed into a cup to test his DNA. No, it wasn’t because they couldn’t find a cup that was willing to do this. It didn’t happen because Michael never showed up. So a judge declared that Michael Lohan is Ashley’s father and his name was added to her birth certificate. Kristi now wants $300,000 in back child support. Kristi must be new here, because I’m pretty sure Michael Lohan’s checking account is as empty as the space between White Oprah’s nostrils.

Michael says that he is fighting Kristi and will take a DNA test.

Ashley says that even though her mother fought to get Michael Lohan’s name on her birth papers, she’s never going to think of him as a father, “I do not trust him, and I don’t want to be around him or part of his life. I could never call Michael Lohan ‘Dad.’ A dad is a person who is there for you and takes care of you.”

Let’s say that for whatever reason (temporary insanity or taking too much acid) you got knocked up with Michael Lohan’s spawn. Wouldn’t you immediately run out and marry ANYBODY and trick him into thinking the kid is his so the truth will never be revealed. And I mean ANYBODY: a homeless junkie psychic, Gallagher, Carrie the Dancing Dog, etc.. This is what a normal person would do.

And if your mother told you that Michael Lohan is your father, wouldn’t you plug your ears with your finger tips and scream the loudest LALALALALA ever. Better yet, wouldn’t you get ANY vampire to glamour this information from your head? And I mean ANY VAMPIRE: Count Chocula, Grandpa Munster, etc… This is what a normal person would do.

So Ashley must be a Lohan if she’s talking shit about her father in the pages of a tabloid. The famewhore gene is alive and well! There’s the DNA results.

And here’s Ashley’s supposed half-sister going to court in Santa Monica this morning.