Lindsay Lohan is LITERALLY (in the Chupa way) falling apart! Like her nose cartilage is falling out of her nostril, pieces of her liver ride down the stream of piss coming out of her p-hole and she has to keep her skin on with orange glue. But she managed to piece herself together to give an interview to Vanity Fair just a week before she checked into jail.
LiLo’s VF interview really doesn’t drop anything new into your head. It’s the usual Lohan-tini: 3 parts 100 proof denial, 2 parts carbonated blame, a squeeze of lies and a tiny dash of reason over cubes of delusional. Stir with the giant stick clogging up White Oprah’s brain, garnish with an F U nail and serve it with a smug look on your face.
Seriously, White Oprah should just build a LiLo robot that spits out all the same shit: “I’m not a Dilaudidhead, my dad is cancer in a mesh shirt, my mother is the most beautiful image of reason, blah blah blah”. That way LiLo doesn’t have to bother with rolling off the floor every afternoon to blurt out the same shit. Which leads me to some quotes:
On how she’s not a junked up junkie who used to start her day with a delicious breakfast brew of Jack & coke (not that kind of coke): “If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking—so that says something, because I was fine.”
On how Michael Lohan’s mesh shirt still gives her nightmares: “I think everyone has their own addictions and hopefully learns how to get past them. I think my biggest focus for myself is learning how to continue to get through the trauma that my father has caused in my life.”
On her ex-father being in court room when Judge Marsha dick slapped her: “The worst part of it is you turn around and you see your dad crying and normally you’d be, like, happy that your father’s there. But then he has to go and do an interview right after.”
On how she should’ve been nominated for an Oscar for Just My Luck: “I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress. … And I know that in my past I was young and irresponsible—but that’s what growing up is. You learn from your mistakes.”
On how snorting anything with at least 2 chemicals in it is considered “dabbling“: “I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have—never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done—to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, O.K., ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”
On how she’s hung around the wrong crowd (insert White Oprah with a guilty look on her face here) in the past: “So many people around me would say they cared for the wrong reasons. A lot of people were pulling from me, taking from me and not giving. I had a lot of people that were there for me for, you know, the party.”
On moving to Hollywood by herself: “It was very go-go-go and I had a lot of responsibility; and I think just the second I didn’t have [structure] anymore—I was 18, 19—with a ton of money and no one really here to tell me that I couldn’t do certain things … And I see where that’s gotten me now, and I don’t like it.”
On the tabloids being her CNN for a while: “Really scary and sad… I would look up to those girls… the Britneys and whatever. And I would be like, I want to be like that.”
On how we will hopefully get a sequel to Life-Size: “I want my career back. I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies. And if that takes not going out to a club at night, then so be it. It’s not fun anyway.”
About that last quote…. LiLo was pulled over by a cop this past weekend after she ran a stop sign while speeding to the Chateau Marmont. Now I’m going to play White Oprah’s advocate and say that LiLo just had a terrifying flashback of Michael Lohan in a mesh shirt which caused her to miss the stop sign. Bitch was so shaken up that she had to calm herself with a cup of herbal tea at the Chateau Marmont. See, we can all play White Oprah’s Game of Enabling ®!
And here’s another picture from Vanity Fair taken on the S.S. Delusion: