Whenever the new cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is announced, I always call my mom up to see how many names set off a DING DING DING in her head. If she knows at least 5 names, that means the cast is filled with starry A-listers (this has never happened). Unfortunately, I didn’t get to do this last night since I was too busy healing my ear drums with lukewarm oil after watching Godzilla vs. Cloverfield on Bravo.
My guess is that my mother isn’t going to recognize 5 names this season either. She probably thinks Bristol Palin is a type of Christmas sausage. Here’s the cast:
The Situation: A muscled up guido monkey who will lift up his shirt for you if you give him a treat. Unfortunately, he hasn’t learned how to clash cymbals together yet.
Bristol Palin: A teenager from Alaska who gave birth to a baby.
The Hoff: Germany’s greatest friend, a cheeseburger’s greatest foe.
Florence Henderson: The woman who almost collected Greg Brady’s V-card.
Margaret Cho: An expert fuck word hurler who loves to talk about dirty, nasty, sexy shit.
Michael Bolton: The man who sang the songs your mother loves to swish and sway to while holding a plastic cup full of Chateau Diane. Oh, and he used to have a flowing golden mullet that is now the star attraction at the hair museum in Turkey.
Jennifer Grey: Patrick Swayze’s forever baby who is allergic to corners.
Rick Fox: Former member of the Lakers and former Mr. Vanessa Williams.
Kyle Massey: He’s on the Disney channel or some shit.
Ceiling Eyes: Star of The Hills who has seen more of space than Galileo.
Kurt Warner: A retired NFL quarterback.
Brandy: Monica’s arch rival who is not going to like it when the judges make a joke about how her performance was a total car wreck.
The only good that can come of this is if Jennifer Grey pushes Mop Head out of the way and leaps towards the Dollar Tree disco ball trophy. Another good thing that can come of this is if The Situation finds true love with Bristol Palin and proposes to her during the finale while 5 cameras focus on Sarah Palin’s face in the audience.
via E! Online