Troy Polamalu’s Precious Locks Insured For $1 Million

Troy Polamalu’s hair is a fantastical follicle wonderland where the souls of dead weaves go to bathe in bliss for the rest of their days, so it’s no surprise that the shampoo company he’s the spokesperson for would take out a $1 million insurance police to ensure that nothings happens to it. Troy’s lion mane in all its glory makes Diana Ross look like a candidate for Rogaine, so his shit is priceless if you ask me. And he looks like a damn shiny happy hair flower who sprouted out of one of Chaka Khan’s scalp pores, so that has to count for more.

People reports that Head & Shoulders has covered their spokerperson’s double hair waterfall with a halo of protection by buying an insurance policy from Lloyds of London. Head & Shoulders said in a statement that Troy’s “hair is so thick that, end to end, it spans 1,100 football fields and can hold approximately 24,062 pounds.” Troy, who is the safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers, hasn’t touched his locks with a pair of scissors for 7 years.

Troy added, “It’s like J.Lo’s insured butt! Head & Shoulders has gone above and beyond by insuring my Samoan locks for a cool $1 million dollars. This reinforces that my full and thick hair is unstoppable.”

Head & Shoulders should do more than just insure Troy’s hair! They should force him to sleep in a basement under a basement surrounded by Kelly Rowland CDs and a dozen Michelle Williams scarecrows. Yup, you know Beyonce is lurking around the corner just waiting for the perfect moment to cut, snatch and run off with a giant piece of Troy’s hair to add to her collection. I mean, she probably got off just from reading his hair’s measurement.

May the Lion Queen of Camerooooon, Chantal Biya, bless the spiral fantasy on Troy’s head with protection.