Vapid Useless Piece Of Trash Busted With Cocaine

You might want to stretch the smile muscles in your mouth you never use and clear the day to practice your “Dancing On Wonky’s Fake Tears” dance from 2007, because there is a slight chance we’ll get Wonky McValtrex Goes To Jail 2: Nevada Don’t Play. Probably not, but you should cross your everything in hopes that shit happens.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently the reigning queen of mess on the stroll, Wonky is desperately trying to get her corner back. CNN has poured a giant sprinkling of HAHAHAHAHAHA into my cup of coffee by reporting that Wonks and her boyfriend Cy Waits were both thrown into handcuffs in Las Vegas last night after they were caught with a bag of the powdery white shit. Las Vegas Police pulled over the Escalade Wonky was riding in, because they noticed a cloud of smoke coming out of the windows that smelled like one of Snoop Dogg’s afternoon farts (hint: the smoke smelled like weed). Maybe Wonky’s crotch critters were trying to send a smoke signal for help?

Wonks and Cy were both taken down to jail on suspicion of cocaine possession. The police tested Wonky’s white powder by calling up Lindsay Lohan and putting a spoon full up to the receiver. LiLo’s expert nose confirmed that it was cocaine.

Wonks was released without bail, because they don’t believe she’s a flight risk. TMZ reports that Wonks has already hired a Las Vegas lawyer. TMZ says that since Wonks was released immediately, the amount of coke she was caught with was probably a teeny tiny amount. Wonks also might try to argue that the bad shit didn’t belong to her. That excuse is known by police as CODE BULLSHIT.

This is a case of whore deja vu, because the same thing happened in South Africa last month. Wonks was arrested for marijuana possession, but the cops later “determined” that it didn’t belong to her so they dropped all charges.

Wonks will most likely just get a flick on one of her snatch sores as punishment, but I’m still hoping that Nevada will do the right thing by sentencing her to life in prison. That’s a reasonable sentence.

Meanwhile, Mugsy is currently erasing the hotel security footage of him sneaking a bag of cokey into Wonky’s handbag. Well played, Mugsy. Just make sure it’s a bigger bag next time!

UPDATE: Wonks Las Vegas lawyer David Chernoff jacked out this dumb statement about her stupid ass, “Paris Hilton was released this morning on her own recognizance. This matter will be dealt with in the courts not in the media and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law. There will be no interviews and no more comments at this time.” There’s no need for me to rush to judgment, because judgment is already sitting on my lap. We’re friends!