Before we get to that, let’s officially hand over a Photoshop Award to the artiste who overused the “Fun House Stretch Mirror” tool on Mary-Louise Parker for that picture above. I know Mary-Louise plays a pot dealer on TV, but that doesn’t mean they should make her look like she’s the size of a malnourished joint! It looks like you could hug her waist with a roach clip! This is some for real fuckery sponsored by Gumby. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way….
Even though Mary-Louise Parker is on a show where the official plant of Snoop Dogg’s life is one of the main stars, she’s usually the designated sober one at the party who rolls her eyes at all the stoners comparing the meaning of life to a Cool Ranch Dorito.
In an interview with Vanity Fair’s Eric Spitznagel, MLP said that she’s never felt a green cloud of magic leap around in her body, but she has licked on a lollipot before (tastes like Willie Nelson’s pre-cum).
Wait, you don’t smoke marijuana, or you’ve never smoked it?
I’ve never smoked it.
Wow. That’s like finding out Tommy Chong never touched the stuff. I feel so betrayed.
I guess if it was going to happen, it would’ve happened when I was younger. But that was never an effective or interesting form of rebellion for me. Because everybody did it. Marijuana was just a social thing. It wasn’t dangerous or frowned upon. If I’d been popular in high school, I’m sure I would have wanted to do it. But I wasn’t.
So you didn’t smoke pot because nobody was offering it to you?
Oh no, it was definitely offered to me. All the time. I was hanging around a lot of musicians, so I definitely had access to drugs. It just never appealed to me. Everybody was doing it, and I didn’t want to be part of the crowd. There was no part of me that wanted to fit in.
You should do a P.S.A. You’ve almost convinced me that pot is boring.
Yeah, probably. But I’m not saying pot is a bad thing. I know plenty of people who should be smoking pot. I’m just not one of those people. I don’t think it would be the best drug for me. What am I going to do, start doing drugs at my age? It’s a little late. I’m a mother of two. It’s probably not the best idea for me to start getting into it now.
Well, I know a few mothers who still partake.
Yeah, I do too. They just wait until their kids are asleep. I don’t know, I guess marijuana just wasn’t made for me. It’s not like I haven’t tried.
Wait, back up. I thought you never smoked?
I didn’t smoke, it was a lollipop.
There is so much about that sentence I don’t understand.
O.K., here’s what happened. I was at a party, and I’d been kind of sick recently. I was in the hospital and on some really heavy antibiotics. But I went to this party anyway, and I was in the bathroom the whole night, on the floor. I was just so ill. Somebody at the party was like, “The only thing that’s going to help your nausea is marijuana.” And I’m like, “I don’t have any!” But then I remembered, somebody had given me a pot lollipop.
A lollipop made with THC?
Yeah. We did something about pot lollipops on Weeds. But those were props, obviously. Then somebody gave me some real ones. People give me pot all the time. I put them up in my closet, on the very, very top shelf, where I keep all my shoes, just so my kids wouldn’t find them. I don’t need that.
Why did you keep them at all?
I guess I thought … I don’t know. Maybe I’d have guests over to the house and they’d want to … ? I have no clue what I thought I was going to do with them.
You weren’t a little bit curious?
A little, yeah. My entire life, I never wanted anything to do with marijuana, but then it became a thing. You know what I mean? “I don’t smoke pot.” That was my thing. So when I was sick, I was like, “What the hell?” I was actually kind of excited about it. I was like, “Oh my god, I’m 45 and I’m having my first pot experience!” But it did nothing.
You didn’t feel high?
I didn’t feel anything! I mean, I still felt ill, but I didn’t get any of the happy effects you’re supposed to have. I don’t know, maybe the lollipops went bad? Does pot have an expiration date?
Are you sure you were doing it right? I wouldn’t even know what to do with a pot lollipop. Do you lick it or light it?
I licked it. But somebody told me that you need to eat it. Somebody quite famous who grows his own (Ed note: BLIND ITEM ALERT!), he told me I should be eating it. But at this point, I feel like “Why bother?” I gave it a shot, it didn’t work. I’m over it.
MLP also dropped an interesting fact. She said that people are always gifting her bountiful amounts of the good shit in all forms! Pot bouquets! Pot brownies! Pot lube! Pot everything! Since she doesn’t touch the stuff, she just gives it to friends. And that wave of clicks you just heard was a million stoners sending a FB friend request to MLP. Bitch is like the Santy Claus of stoners!