John Mayer Is Mad

August 26, 2010 / Posted by:

John Mayer’s David Duke dick has been quiet for a while, but now it has risen from the ashes left by Sexual Napalm and is shaking its rage at the Huffington Post for posting some shit about its reunion with Jennifer Aniston’s vagina instead of important news!

It all started when HuffPo ran some story earlier today about how John and Jen might be back together, because of some crap he said at one of his shows. Anytime anybody writes anything about John Mayer on the internet a special vibration goes off on his cock ring letting him know to check his Google Alerts immediately. After John read HuffPo’s piece, he queefed out a response on his Tumblr that is filled with his usual brand of hilarious doucheatry and a few phrases that pay:

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ – no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.


Damn. John Mayer is going raw (smells like open sores and melting Summer’s Eve bottles). I have a feeling that there’s something else behind this, because dude is taking shit way too seriously. Maybe a farsighted stripper with a scar in the shape of the C-Span logo once refused to give John a hand job in a club and he’s never gotten over it? So he’s throwing up his hurt all over HuffPo. Yeah, that must be it.

P.S. – Bitch said SILLY BANDZ!

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