White Oprah Can Gloat Now

August 20, 2010 / Posted by:

In between taking sips from her Dunkin’ Donuts coffee with a splash of lighter fluid (they’re out of coolant), White Oprah is furiously scratching out the word “PROPAGANDA!” on her protest sign and replacing it with the word “TOLDJA!” (Nikki Finke’s attorneys are already drawing up a cease and desist). That’s because TMZ is co-signing White Oprah’s claims that her daughter isn’t the neediest crackhead on the stroll. TMZ’s sources are saying that the doctors at UCLA have officially declared that Lindsay Lohan isn’t a drug addict and doesn’t have crazy in the brains.

The sources went on to say that LiLo was easily weaned off of Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium without getting the shakes or chewing on a toilet bowl cleaning pill for a quick fix. LiLo also didn’t have a problem staying away from booze. As for her mental problems, the doctors say the bitch ain’t bi-polar.

The doctors also think that there’s no reason for LiLo to be on Adderall since she doesn’t have ADHD. They believe she was misdiagnosed and this might be the cause of why she’s acting like she’s the front-runner in the Miss Crackie Whore 2010 pageant.

Dr. Joe Haraszti, some fancy addiction specialist, tells TMZ that when bitches who don’t suffer from ADHD take Adderall they experience cokehead-like effects including: chain smoking, driving around all night, excessive Tweeting, etc… Dr. Joe didn’t confirm if other effects include wearing leggings like they’re pants and injecting anything found in the lubricant section of a automotive store into your lips.

Dr. Joe went on to say that Adderallheads “might then complain of insomnia and then take Ambien or other sleep aids to help fall asleep … it’s a vicious cycle.

The doctors at UCLA are recommending that LiLo be released from rehab early. They seem to think that Judge Marsha dick slapped LiLo way too hard when she sentenced her to 90 days in the rehab. In their professional opinion, LiLo only needs 30 days to clean up.

When the medical professionals at UCLA asked White Oprah to take them to the doctor who diagnosed LiLo with ADHD, she said it was impossible since he moved offices without giving a new address (aka he no longer parks his van behind the Stop & Shop).

White Oprah might be doing the TOLDJA dance (looks like this) right now, but that smug look on her face is quickly going to turn into a look of despair when she realizes she’s going to have to find a new supplier now that the jig is up. The joke’s on you, WO!

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