Are you a sadomasochist who gets off on getting cursed the hell out for 12 hours straight a day? Does the thought of changing the diapers of someone else’s baby while they yell at you to use more custom made Dior talc just make you want to jump out of bed in the morning? Do you really really hate yourself in a seriously hateful way? Well, if the answer “yes” to all those questions then I’ve got the perfect dream job for you!
Life & Style reports that JLo is looking for a new assistant to torture since her last one finally snapped and is now banging their head against the wall in a padded room in a mental hospital somewhere.
According to Life & Style’s sources, this is what will be required of you as JLo’s main slave:
- “The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things.”
- “You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city.”
- “The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point.”
- “You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.”
- “You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.”
Other duties the source failed to mention include:
- Comforting the virgins Skeletor just sucked the life out of by wrapping a blanket around them and walking them to a waiting cab outside.
- You have to get on your knees in front of JLo’s fat ass every day and say to it, “Who’s the most beautiful and bodacious butt in Hollywood? YOU ARE! YOU ARE! YOU ARE!” You have to say this with feeling. If you don’t, you have to keep doing it until you get it right.
- When Jlo is feeling bored and down, you have to pretend to be a high-powered movie executive and call her up on the second line to offer her millions of dollars to star in your movie. JLo will turn you down and say that her schedule is booked solid for the next 2 years. If you laugh into the phone, you have to do the butt worshiping thing again.
And for your blood, sweat, tears and sanity, JLo will generously give you $55,000 to $65,000….A YEAR! That’s around $15 an hour! Dealing with JLo’s fuckery should pay $55,000 a month, if not an hour!
$55,000 is what it’s going to cost to bail you out of jail once you jump over the edge by smashing all of her precious jewels and white candles to bits. $55,000 is what you’re going to spend a month on all the illegal drugs you’ll have to swallow to keep yourself from choking her out!
But I guess it could always be worse, you could be Naomi Campbell’s assistant instead.