Well, They Did Give It A Month

After only one month of marriage, Johnathon Schaech, the former Mr. Christina Applegate who made my tongue sweat in that Quilt movie, and One Tree Hill star Jana Kramer have decided to dissolve their marriage in the toilet like it’s a damn Alka-Seltzer tablet. This is why shit like marriage and vibrators should come with a 30-day no questions ask return policy. If they no longer make your genitals throb or the pores on your nalgas burn up, you should be able to take your spouse to the customer service department and easily return them just by filling out your address on a receipt. Done, and have a nice day.

Johnathon and Jana got engaged late last year and married on the Fourth of July. Jana’s spokeswhore confirms this mess to Life & Style:

“Jana and Johnathon have agreed to dissolve their marriage. Jana is humbled by the outpouring of support from her fans, friends and family, and appreciates the respect of her privacy.”

Jana’s rep didn’t give any reason as to why their marriage quickly corroded like Johnathon’s face has over the years. But some source has the answer. They told Life & Style, “Jana is a good 14 years younger than Johnathon. She moved in with him within six months or less of dating. She really didn’t like living there. It was his bachelor pad and just not enough space for the both of them.”

Um. Jana and Johnathon have obviously never laid eyes on the basic cable gem called House Hunters on HGTV. They will help you find a house that best suits the needs of you and your court-approved fuck partner! Jana really needs more people if the relationship really ended because of their age difference and living situation. Did Jana recently learn basic math and regain her eyesight? There has to be a real reason. Maybe Jana was clearing the back of his closet and found a pair of CROCS (aka devil hooves). Or maybe Johnathon said “ewww” when she asked him to lick her culo after slurping on her clit. Now those are VALID reasons for divorce.