Nice Try, Zac!

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

I refuse to believe that Zac Efron can naturally grow a trail of follicles over his lip. Have you ever seen a unicorn with a moustache? EXACTLY! So my guess is that while his personal bikini waxer was shaping his pubes into a heart, he asked her to save him a piece. And that piece ended up over his lip to butch up his look for last night’s Teen Choice Awards.

Zac shouldn’t even bother with those tricks, because he will always be the prettiest fairytale princess in Disney’s kingdom no matter what! Looking like Sasquatch scooted over his upper lip isn’t going to change that! Don’t try to Victor/Victoria our asses, Zac!

The same thing goes for that nail polish. Zac probably thought blue chipped nail polish would make him look edgy, dirty and rough and shit. Yeah, no. We all know that once Zac slipped into the comfort of his crystal carriage for the ride home, he pulled out a bottle of nail polish (in shade: unicorn semen) and furiously touched that shit up. Truth.

And in other purdy Zac news, he recently told Details Magazine about how Tommy Girl asked him to come over to ride bikes. Let’s say all together now: TOO FUCKING EASY.

“You ride motorcycles?” Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn’t. “You wanna learn how?” Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes–including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike. “He made so many great movies,” Efron says of Cruise. “I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn’t come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that’s him! He’s really doing that.” I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t even want to know. It’s just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that.”

Zac is not only more beautiful than a bubble sitting on a rose petal, but he’s naive too. He really has no idea why Tommy Girl invited him over for playtime? Zac didn’t get the hint when Tommy Girl skipped out wearing nothing but a fake Harley tattoo on his ass cheek and two rearview mirrors strapped to his shoulders? And a light bulb still didn’t go on over Zac’s precious head when Tommy screamed, “Make this bitch rooooar”? Oh, Zac….

Here’s a few pictures of Zac with fellow princess Chace Crawford and David Archuleta backstage at the Teen Choice Awards last night. These pictures look like the beginning of a Sean Cody porn.

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