Cristiano Ronaldo’s Peen Is Intimidating

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Some tricks fuck for fun, some tricks fuck for any item of their choosing on the $1 menu at McDonald’s (GUILTY) and some tricks fuck for published articles in The Mirror. Jasmine Lennard falls into the latter category. Jasmine, a reality whore turned Los Angeles fame fucker, spilled all the details to The Mirror about the time she rode the extra greasy bronzer stick known as Cristiano Ronaldo.

Jasmine writes that it all started when two of Crispy’s ho catchers approached her in a club in L.A. and asked her to go back to his hotel for “sexy times.” Crispy must save his signature “me you fuck fuck” line for special pieces. Anyways, Jasmine turned down Crispy’s invitation, but she gave her number to his friends to give to him.

Jasmine claims that for the next two days Crispy practically melted the screen on her phone with all his text messages, so eventually she made plans to pick him and bring him back to her place. I’ll let Jasmine take it from here. Although, it might be kind of possible to read due to the fact that your eyeballs won’t stop rolling. Hold them down:

I have an incredibly male approach to sex and this was a game for me. He was a toy and this was a show. I wasn’t ­interested in wooing him or winning his heart. In truth I wasn’t even attracted to him. His shorts were SHORT, his top was TIGHT and the pink colour of both was …just not for me. As soon as he ­encountered my German Shepherd dogs and started screaming and waving his crutches at them in total panic and fear I realised perhaps this wasn’t going to be Mr Right.

I prefer my men a little rougher round the edges. I don’t like to feel more man than the man I am in bed with. Things went from bad to worse fast. You might well be ­wondering, why did I do it then? The only explanation is that while I wasn’t attracted to him, I enjoyed the fact that he was so taken by me. Some sort of power trip, I suppose. Soon after entering the bedroom, I did indeed catch sight of the REAL Ronaldo. Now, while a lot of women appreciate a well-endowed man, this was just ­RIDICULOUS…intimidatingly so. “Oh for God’s sake”, I thought, “let’s get this over with”, ­although I wondered how long that would take. Not long was the answer…perhaps he was having an off day!

Can Jasmine please dissect the word “ridiculous” for us? How long is it? Is it more like a frozen burrito before going into the microwave or like a soggy churro? Does it have the complexion of a boiled Hickory Farms sausage? Does Crispy gloss up his peen lips too? Is his pubic landing strip as pristine plucked as his brows?

If you’re going to broadcast your ho shit on a news ticker, at least give us the details we really care about. Who gives a damn about Jasmine’s dumb German Shepherds! Actually, did Jasmine’s German Shepherds mistake Crispy’s dick for a shaved mole and try to it attack it?

I swear, Jasmine sucks at fuck-and-telling.

Here’s Crispy intimidating a soccer ball at a game in Pasadena, CA over the weekend.

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