Snooki Is A Changed Oompa Loompa!

August 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Snooki’s time in the drunk tank has convinced her to put down the sweet nectar during the daylight hours and cut back on the partying just a bit. There goes that bitch’s contract with MTV.

At a press conference in L.A. last night, Snackwells told reporters that she decided to tweak her ways after she was arrested on July 30th for being a cast member of Jersey Shore. And for public acts of drunkery. Snooki farted out, “I didn’t hurt anybody – stuff like that happens in Jersey. I was in the drunk tank for a little bit, I had too many tequilas. What are you gonna do? My dad was very, very pissed. He’s like, ‘I didn’t raise you like this.’ I just felt really bad, so I’m definitely going to stop drinking during the daytime. And now when I go out, I only have a couple drinks. It was a good wakeup call for me. It definitely embarrassed my family and that’s just not good.”

I’m pretty sure that right after the first episode of Jersey Shore aired, most of Snooki’s family changed their last name, moved out of state and bought stolen social security numbers from a video store in Chinatown, so I don’t think she has to worry about this latest incident embarrassing them.

Snooki also said some terrifying shit that Child Protective Services should be made aware of, “When I see 7-year-olds, they’re like, ‘Oh, I envy you.’ I’m like, ‘Why? You’re seeing me party. That’s not something you should envy.’ ”

I understand that a slow red panda who nibbles pickles and does somersaults in the middle of a dancefloor is entertaining to a 7-year-old, but their parents should still be jailed. In fact, CPS should use that for sting operations. They should ask 7-year-olds who they want to be like when they grow up: Snooki, a thief, a stripper or a crack dealer. If the 7-year-old chooses Snooki, their parents go directly to prison. And the 7-year-old goes directly to the MTV factory for immediately training to become a future Jersey Shore mess. Well, my ass needs something to watch on Thursday nights!

Here’s the Jersey Shore whores, including their newest cast mate Deena Nicole, at LAX and Newark today.

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