Charlie Sheen Is Not Going To Jail

Charlie Sheen won’t spend one second in a jail cell for celebrating the holiday season by beating on his wife Brooke Mueller in Aspen, Colorado on Christmas Day. Lady Justice better change her e-mail address right now, because White Oprah just popped a Dexedrine and is about to go off on her in 1,000 words or more!

TMZ reports that as part of a plea deal with the Pitkin County D.A., Charlie pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab instead of the clink. And since Charlie already spent time at Promises in Malibu earlier this year, he will receive credit for time served. That means Charlie simply has to sashay into Promises, sign in, tell the receptionist that she has nice tits, sign out and then stroll back out to his Mercedes where a call girl with an 8-ball on her lap is waiting for him.

Charlie was also ordered to 3 months probation and 36 hours of anger management (which he’s already completed).

So Charlie tried to shank his wife in the neck and his punishment is a day trip to Malibu? The moral of this story is that if you ever want to do bad shit just make sure you have at least 10 IMDB credits to your name and a parking spot at Warner Bros so you don’t have to do any real time!! YAY!