Chelsea Clinton Is A Married Woman Now!

I’m taking a quick second from slurping up my pre-dinner snack of ice cream soup and a cup of vodka with a splash of tap water to bring you the news that Chelsea Clinton, the curly haired girl we watched grow up and master the art of the blow out, married Marc Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, NY today.

Chelsea and Marc said all that I do shit in front of 400 people including Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen and Madeline Albright. Bill and Hillary Clinton put down their plastic champagne flutes, crawled on top of the bridal party table and yelled this at everyone:

“Today, we watched with great pride and overwhelming emotion as Chelsea and Marc wed in a beautiful ceremony at Astor Courts, surrounded by family and their close friends. We could not have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the beginning of their life together, and we are so happy to welcome Marc into our family. On behalf of the newlyweds, we want to give special thanks to the people of Rhinebeck for welcoming us and to everyone for their well-wishes on this special day.”

How can they say all those words and NOT mention how many bridesmaids Bill humped on in the fancy ass Port-A-Potties. Seriously, those Port-A-Potties were meant to do ho shit in. Oh well, the night is still young.

Congrats to Chelsea and Marc! If I was in the area, I’d dress up like Helen Thomas and crash that party, because you know they have some good shit. Not like the generic brand rubbing alcohol I’m sipping on right now.

Here’s a few pictures of the locals celebrating Chelsea’s blessed day by dressing up as furries and sitting on lawn chairs while holding homemade signs.

UPDATE: I’ve added a few more pics from the wedding. Chelsea wore a dress she bought from the 50% off rack at Bridal Warehouse. NO! She wore Vera Wang.