My Daughter Doesn’t Even Have A Pillow: A Memoir By White Oprah

July 30, 2010 / Posted by:

Cross out “Guantanamo Bay” on your protest signs and write “Lynwood Correctional Center” in its place, because that’s where the real suffering is going on! White Oprah is speaking out against the harsh conditions her child is facing in jail. Abnormal Rae said that her daughter Lindsay Lohan doesn’t even have a pillow or a cell phone in jail!!!!! And she’s being treated like a COMMON CRIMINAL!!!!!! Ha. Nana Lohan should really fight the urge to pop White Oprah’s double bubble of delusion with her knitting needle, because this is comedy at its finest.

White Oprah took a break from organizing the Million Crackhead March to speak to Radar about the injustice happening at Lynwood:

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates. We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close. When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

Translation: “My daughter is being treated like everybody else in jail AND THAT IS WRONG! They don’t even have an on-staff spray tanner!”

The best part is that White Oprah notarizes every single shit nugget of delusion that jumps off her tongue. She really believes in what she’s saying. I keep expecting White Oprah to rip her mask off revealing that she’s really Jennifer Coolidge and this is all just a part of Christopher Guest’s newest mockumentary. But no, this is real.

I want to tell White Oprah to raise her fist high for her cause and then shove it up her asshole, but I don’t want that. White Oprah’s quotes are much too magical and I can’t get enough.

“We’re here! We’re high! Get used to it!” – White Oprah while protesting outside of Lynwood this weekend

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