Jakey Smokes Pot, Not The Pole

This is what Janet Charlton is saying anyway. Janet says that everybody needs to stop calling Jake Gyllenhaal “Jake Gayllenhaal” or Toothy Tile, because she has it on good authority that he doesn’t like a hard peen on his tongue. According to Janet, he prefers a bong on his tongue instead. Janet says this is the real reason why his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn’t work out. From Janet:

“At last the truth comes out. An acquaintance of Reese and Jake acknowledges that they were very smitten with each other for quite awhile and seemed perfectly matched. Unfortunately, Jake had a habit that Reese could not live with, and he wouldn’t give it up. He smoked way too much. And we’re not talking nicotine here. Not only did it rub Reese the wrong way, but she worried about her children being exposed to his bad habits. So, regretfully, she moved on. Note: those of you who insist that Jake is gay are NUTS.”

NUTS? Kind of like what Jake likes on his…..Okay, I’ll shut my fingers about that already! No more of that shit. Janet would never tell a lie, so I will update my files to say that Jake is straighter than a quick trip to the outhouse (copyright: some hillbilly who said that to me outside of a gas station in Tennessee)! And if Jakey ever needed a quit hit, I’d gladly let him take one off my bong. Anytime!