Marc Jacobs’ ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone confirmed last week that they are no longer spending their nights together doing 500 crunches (foreplay) before painstakingly plucking out the long hairs on their beard to keep that shit looking as manicured as Norwood Young’s hairline. Lorenzo claims that his relationship with Marc ended around two months ago. Gatecrasher reports that Lorenzo didn’t even let the Marc Jacobs brand saliva on his nipple dry before he started bumping nalgas with Lance Bass. Lorenzo and I obviously go to the same church since we both believe that life is too short to let your no-no go cold.
For the past few months, Lance and Lorenzo have been seen out on several dates around NYC and Miami. One of Lance’s friends says that the two are dating, but doesn’t think they are going to last very long. The friend said that Lorenzo is trying to get serious, but Lance isn’t exactly creaming at the mouth about their relationship, because he likes them “younger and prettier.”
Younger and prettier?! I need to update my files, because I was under the impression that if you are Brazilian, have a peen and can crack a hazelnut with your bicep, Lance will find a way to fit you into his briefs. I guess not. But Lance is not right for the “younger and prettier” thing. I mean, does Lance remember this:
How soon Lance forgets that he once looked like the postmature love child of Rosie O’Donnell and Kelli Carpenter.