But Where Was The Morton Salt Girl?!

July 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Last night was the Salt premiere in Los Angeles, and this morning thousands of Brangeloonies are sitting nekkid in bowls of salt to stop their parts from throbbing like snails in heat! Escargot for everybody!

St. Angie, who is skinnier than a roach clip on a roach’s joint, shocked everyone last night by wearing a strapless (!!!) black (!!!) dress (!!!) with nude heels (!!!)!!! St. Angie’s ethereal holiness already causes saintstruck peons to throw themselves in a shallow gave, so she really shouldn’t shock them more by deviating from the norm. I mean, we’ve never ever seen her dressed like the cocktail waitress at an Addams Family-themed Las Vegas casino. Never!

And Brad Pitt looks like he’s been up all night sipping well scotch at a HoJo’s bar, because his wife changed the locks after she caught him flirting with the secretary at the used car dealership he works at. If you emptied his pockets, you’d find a matchbook with Ruby’s (it’s always a Ruby) telephone number on it. This is the best Brad Pitt has looked in centuries!

Here’s a few more of Brangelina groping on each other last night. Jon Voight, James Haven, Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts were also there! Sadly, I couldn’t find any pictures of James Haven channeling STAINS. James’ eyeballs just wouldn’t get erect last night. Sad.

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