If you ever ask Cristiano Ronaldo who the mother of his love child is, he’ll pull out his tube of MAC Lip Glass and seal the secret of her identity in his precious mouth forever. Crispy isn’t saying shit, but the Daily Mirror is! They claim that Crispy’s baby mama is a broke ass American waitress who got knocked up after a one-night fuck with him. Actually, she WAS a broke ass American waitress, because apparently Crispy gave her $15 million to give him their son before going away FOREVER.
Becoming a cocktail waitress who fucks celebrities has officially become the new American dream! Parents and school guidance counselors should adjust their lessons accordingly.
A friend of Crispy’s says that his son was conceived in Los Angeles last summer. The friend also gave the truly romantic details of the magical night Crispy spread his charm all over the future mother of his child. May the theme from the Thorn Birds fill your head as you read this:
“Ronni looked the girl in the eye and said extremely directly: ‘Me, you, f*** f***.’
“She was taken aback and just said: ‘What!’ She didn’t actually understand what he meant. She was totally nonplussed
“The window by his table was steamed up, so he drew a love heart on it with his finger. Then he said, ‘Me, you, kiss,’ and the penny dropped.
“That’s typical Ronni – he pretends his English is terrible when it suits him, and he comes straight to the point. It was just yet another one-night stand and Ronnie assumed he would never see her again.”
“Me, you, fuck fuck” is my new pick-up line. Crispy has the right idea. We need to all go back to the cave man days when shit was simple. When a bitch sees a hot piece they want to break off, they should just hobble up to that ho and grunt “ME, YOU, FUCK FUCK” before clubbing them over the head with a dildo to drag them up to their tree house. Caveman love is the truest!
A couple of months after Crispy seduced the trick as though they were starring in the porn version of Tarzan and Jane, she found out she was pregnant. The saga continues:
It was agreed that Ronaldo would give DNA for a paternity test once the baby was born and provide support for the mother and child if it proved to be his.The friend revealed: “Cristiano was told the result while he was away at the World Cup.”
And then Dolores stepped in. The friend said: “Ronni is a multi-millionaire playboy, but when it comes to family, he’s very much his mother’s son.
“They are a close-knit, traditional Roman Catholic family and the minute paternity was established there was absolutely no doubt that Ronni would be doing the right thing.
What in the hell kind of GD Roman Catholic is Dolores? Any self-respecting strict Roman Catholic mother would force the couple to marry in a church wedding! Then they would all hide the baby for the next 9 months while the American waitress pretended to be pregnant. After her fake birth, they’d present the 9-month-old baby as a newborn and explain that he’s bigger than normal due to a thyroid problem or something. How does Dolores not know this?! Doesn’t she watch telenovelas (aka daily mass)?! My abuelita is throwing her a “Ay Dios Mio” side-eye of judgment as I type this.