More Like “We’re Getting Paid!”

File this under: “Bitches need a check….and a publicity stunt” Sarah Palin is probably screaming “You BITCHA‘” into the sky this morning, because her 19-year-old daughter Bristol has announced her engagement to Levi Johnston on the cover of UsWeekly. Bristol claims she has abstained from delivering the happy news to her parents. That is so beautiful that it makes me want to barf on a white dove. Every mother dreams of the day she learns that her daughter is getting married by staring at the cover of a tabloid.

Right before Bristol cashed her check at the Wasilla coffee hut/meth lab/Western Union, she told UsWeekly, “We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.” Levi says that their love blossomed again three months ago when they started working on the custody plan for their 18-month-old son Tripp. Bristol added, “When he left that night, we didn’t hug or kiss, but I was thinking how different it was. He texted me: ‘I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again’ … I was in shock.”

Bristol swears she’s not pregnant with another child they would probably name Branch, Fall or Stumble. Bristol also says their plan is to get married within the next 6 weeks (that’s your cue to give a side-eye to the “Not Pregnant” comment).

As for Sarah Palin, Bristol told Us that she hopes her mother will support her even though Levi trashed Sarah in the media a few times.

THIS JUST IN! Sarah and Todd released this statement to the Today show: “Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

At first I didn’t think Sarah had anything to do with this mess, but now that I read that perfectly worded statement I think she might be the master puppeteer of this stunt. She’s probably behind the camera shouting at them, “Say ‘Palin 2012’!” Well, played…

And is it just me, or is Tripp’s stare sashaying through your soul? Make. It. Stop.