Well, this is one way to choke out the lezzie rumors. Tommy Girl’s former face merkin Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem (or Javier BarDAYUM as my horny old auntie calls him) became husband and wife in the Bahamas almost two weeks ago. By Hollywood’s standards, two weeks is forever so my headline is still factual (not really). Penny’s spokeswhore confirms the news to the Associated Press and says that it was a tiny wedding with only la familia present.
The most surprising part of this shit is that as soon as Penny slipped the wedded cock ring on Javier (it’s the only way to go), the news wasn’t immediately transmitted via Twitter whale or some shit. There was no 10-page spread in ¡Hola! magazine. Bitches actually kept their lips shut. That means Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis have been keeping a secret for a while now. She has been looking a little tense in the nipples lately.
And while Penny and Javier were getting hitched on a beach in the Bahamas, her former employer Tommy Girl was down in his dungeon hitching his Scientolohole to a dick on a dude named Javier.