You’re In Big Trouble, Mister!

July 13, 2010 / Posted by:

Remember that very special episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse picked up a 17-year-old girl in a club, brought her back to his attic and then tried to get her coked up before offering to lick her cooch? Then Stephanie Tanner walked in on them and screamed “HOW RUDE”? Later, Danny had to sit Stephanie down and explain to her that sometimes when a grown man falls in love with a teenager, he shows that he cares by giving her illegal substances and offers of cunnilingus (laugh track goes here). Remember that? I’m sure your nana has that episode recorded on a VHS tape somewhere.

Well, the Associated Press is reporting that a woman is claiming that this mess actually happened in a hotel room in Florida back in 2004. The woman and a dude are on trial in Michigan for allegedly attempting to extort $680,000 out of John Stamos in exchange for pictures of him doing coke with a bunch of strippers. HAVE MERCY!

Allison Coss claims that when she was a 17-year-old high school student, she met John at a club in Orlando while she was on spring break. Even though Allison told John she was only 17, he still bought her a cocktail and invited her and one of her friends back to his hotel room. Allison claims that shortly after they got to his room, a couple of strippers showed up with a bag of the bad shit. Allison watched John do a few lines with the pussy peddlers. After that, John and Allison made out on the bed for a bit before getting into the hot tub. John got fully nekkid and asked if he could suck on Allison’s illegal vagina. Allison turned John down, which caused him to jump out of the hot tub and break off a bedpost in frustration (that’s not a euphemism). John apologized to Allison and asked her to stay the night, which she did.

For the next few years, Allison and John flirted with each other through e-mails. John then began to receive a series of emails from Allison (pretending to be someone else) threatening to sell a bunch of compromising pictures of him to the tabloids if he doesn’t pay up. John contacted the FBI who confirmed that the emails came from Allison and a dude named Scott Sippola. They were both charged with extortion and the trial is going down right now. John is expected to testify.

The FBI says they never found proof that pictures of John with the strippers existed. John also denies the entire story and says it is made of lies. Basically, it sounds like Allison’s extortion plan crashed into the Tanner family kitchen.

I don’t have a vagina (check my file at the free clinic if you don’t believe me), but if Uncle Jesse offered to eat it, I’d tuck my shit tighter than Gaga at the gynecologist. And more importantly, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all of this?! She was one of the strippers Uncle Jesse did a line off, right?

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