Everybody Ruined Their Lives Yesterday!

The phrase “I Do” was overused as fuck yesterday, because Carrie Underwears said it to Mike Fisher, Martin Lawrence said it to Daaamn Geeeena Shamicka Gibbs, LaLa Vazquez said it to Carmelo Anthony, Emily Blunt said it to John Krasinski, I said it to the waiter who asked me if I wanted a double dose of whipped cream on my cake and Jennifer Aniston said it to one of her dogs wearing a bow tie and top hat. Everyone fucking queefed it out!

I guess July 10th was unofficially International Plastic Champagne Glass Day. Let’s see who celebrated this shit:

Carrie Underwears & Mike Fisher: Carrie Underwears became Carrie Fisher (insert Princess Leia side) at a resort in Greensboro, Georgia in front of 250 guests which included Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and some of Mike’s hockey teammates. People says that Carrie wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and the ceremony featured a few of the couple’s favorite Bible readings. Mikalah Gordon and Jessica Sierra from Carrie’s season of American Idol passed out canapes to the guests and were later seen sneaking half-guzzled cocktails into their mouths.

Martin Lawrence & Shamicka Gibbs: People reports that Eddie Murphy and Denzel Washington watched as Martin Lawrence married his latest baby mama in the backyard of their Beverly Hills mansion yesterday. No word yet if Keylolo and Sheneneh crashed that shit and beat on Shamicka with her own bouquet.

Emily Blunt & John Krasinski: These two attached an invisible ball and chain of eternal misery to each other’s ankles during a ceremony in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Since a bitch can’t sneeze in Lake Como without getting approval form George Clooney first, he was a guest at Emily and John’s wedding. John better make the most out of this shit by taking Emily’s last name, because who wouldn’t want their last name to be BLUNT!? Seriously, you know Emily has already turned down proposals from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson.

Former MTV VJ LaLa Vazquez & NBA star Carmelo Anthony: LaLa and Carmelo, who made a baby together 3 years ago, boarded the marriage train headed for Miserableville (Yes, I’m feeling bitter today) in NYC yesterday. UsWeekly says that 320 people (including Kim Kardassian & Ciara) showed up to their wedding.

It sounds like the wedding worth suffering through was Carrie Underwears’. I mean, Paula Abdul plus an open bar?! You know by the time Carrie and Mike changed into their honeymoon clothes (they seem like the type), Paula had already slow danced with a table centerpiece to “Rush Rush“.

And now I’ve suddenly got a craving for Jordan almonds in a plastic swan….