Your Hourly Delusional Crackie Update

The Lindsay Lohan news just keeps pouring out like a bottle of E&J Gallo going into White Oprah’s mouth at any given hour of the day. It’s just like 2007’s Our Lady of Cheetos Chronicles all over again! But Frapps and Cheetos have been replaced with Dilaudid and White Oprah’s delusions. London the dog has been replaced with a SCRAM anklet. Gas stations have been replaced by Twitter. Adnan Ghalib’s landing strip has been replaced by a FUCK U nail. The 5150 has been replaced by Judge Marsha’s bitch slap. And Brit Brit’s swamp thing weave has been replaced by…. Oh wait, well that didn’t change.

Anyways, hold up your FUCK U 2 nail and let’s get to this mess.

Lilo’s Fuck U nail wasn’t directed at Judge Marsh: LiLo Twatted last night that her FUCK U nail wasn’t directed towards the court or anybody in particular. She barfed: “didn’t we do our nails as a joke with our friend dc? it had nothing to do w/court.. it’s an airbrush design from a stencil xx”

Anybody with a drop of reason swimming in their brains would know that if they have FUCK U on their nail, they should probably stick their hand between their nalgas while sitting in front of a judge. Or this bitch could’ve at least scrawled a “P” next to the “U.” The judge and the public-at-large would’ve given her extra points for finally admitting the obvious.

LiLo called Judge Marsha a “fucking bitch“: A source tells TMZ that right after Judge Marsha kicked Lilo in the bagina bone by sentencing her to jail, she called the judge a “fucking bitch.”

I doubt Judge Marsha heard this since her ears were bombarded with a million voices declaring her their “fucking hero.”

LiLo might have compared her situation to an Iranian woman who is probably going to be stoned to death: On her Twatter last night, LiLo linked to a Newsweek article about an Iranian woman who might be stoned to death for cheating on her man. LiLo Twatted: “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” (Tell that to the people who watched I Know Who Killed Me).

I’m sure White Oprah is going to make a hundred copies of LiLo’s ridiculous rant and hand that shit out in front of a Carvel on Long Island. Fudgie the Whale will never get away with torturing White Oprah by not giving her a free cake!

LiLo gets a visit from Kim Kardassian: Instead of showing up to her belated birthday party at some club in L.A. last night, LiLo stayed home and hung out with Kim Kardassian. Can we lock up Kim Kardassian for guilt by association? Someone should start a petition.

THE END (for now). I’m sure as soon as I hit the “publish” button somebody will post a story about how White Oprah is staging a tanning strike.