We’ll discuss this shit as soon as I get all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAs out of my system.
…And I’m back, but don’t worry I’ve saved a few HAHAHAHAHAs for when White Oprah issues an amazing statement regarding her “child” getting thrown into a jail cell. So, all day I’ve been glued to the live feed of Lindsay Lohan’s probation violating hearing as if the court was filled with a dozen hard dicks.
Seriously, I couldn’t take my eyes off that shit. Between Lilo’s cuntified bitch faces towards Judge Marsha and her Adderal-flavored tears, it was the performance of her life! And unfortunately for her, Judge Marsha was not eating that shit up with a spork. Judge Marsha sentenced Blohan to 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab for violating her probation by skipping out on her booze education classes. Yes, if I was Judge Marsha I’d hit all the bars tonight, because you know everybody wants to buy her ass a DRANK.
Judge Marsha tooka chankla and deflated Blohan’s ridiculous lips by spitting out a long laundry list of all her fuck-ups, excuses and probation violations dating back to 2007. When Judge Not The One brought down her sentence, Blohan burst into tears. And that’s when most of us burst into laughter and danced around our apartments as though our feet were angel wings and the floor was made of heavenly clouds.
Blohan’s lawyer immediately asked the judge to give her 2 weeks before she surrenders. Judge Marsha agreed. But when Blohan’s lawyer asked for the SCRAM anklet to be taken off today, the Judge firmly shook her head FUCK NO. HA! Blohan wants to fill her cheeks with enough bad shit to last her all summer long. You can’t blame a shifty crackie for trying.
Now we’ll see how long Blohan actually serves. A spokeswhore for the Sheriff’s Department says that on average lady inmates like Blohan only serve 25% of their sentence. That means the outside world will be Blohan-less for around 25 days. Hopefully in that 25 days, Blohan falls in love with a hefty cholita named Baby Girl who sets her ass straight. Or who at least shaves off her nasty eyebrows and replaces them with a pair of magical Sharpie brows to take the focus off those swollen labia lips on her face.
UPDATE: Here’s the video! Throw your Prozac in the trash and chew on this instead. Nothing will take you higher!