Cristiano Ronaldo has kept his charbroiled lips shut since announcing on his Facebook that he is the proud single father of a newborn baby. Crispy crossed his spicy Slim Jim legs and refused to spit out anymore details. But the Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias (via Daily Mail) claims they have a few more facts on Crispy’s secret baby. Let’s see what they brought to class:
Rumor #1: Cristiano hired an American surrogate from San Diego to carry his orange baby
Rumor #2: The baby boy was born on June 17th while Crispy was competing at World Cup in South Africa. He traveled to San Diego on June 29th immediately after Portugal was eliminated from World Cup.
Rumor #3: Cristiano has named his son Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro. Ronaldo is Cristiano’s middle name.
Rumor #4(from a different source): Crispy didn’t use a surrogate. The baby was the result of a one-night fuck he had in America. He paid her off to stay quiet.
Okay, I know the whole “paid surrogate” thing is giving you visions of Cristiano and Ricky Martin pushing baby strollers together under a flock of unicorns prancing over a rainbow*, but can we focus on what really matters here…..like the baby name.
Up until a few minutes ago, I didn’t know Crispy’s last name isn’t Ronaldo. So I threw him a few “Is the grease clogging the pores on your scalp?” look thinking that he named his kid Ronaldo Ronaldo. That shit is an unfortunate stutter.
“Ronaldo Ronaldo” just doesn’t bump a hip into my soul the way “Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro” does. Let’s call him Baby Santo Dios for short.
* Truthery. I think I’m the only mammal on this planet who doesn’t think Cristiano Ronaldo is full gay (bi, maybe). Yes, I’ll turn my Gaydar into the Geek Squad for repair.