Okay, which one of you low down dirty hookers chewed a hole in the condom and lifted your pelvis up right before Cristiano Ronaldo jizzed?! Raise your hand, because whoever you are, you are one of my heroes.
The greasy extra thick chicken bone that is Cristiano Ronaldo announced on his Facebook and Twitter today that he is a father to a baby. A real-life baby who breathes oxygen and everything. Something in the milk ain’t clean about Crispy’s statement. Lift up your magnifying glass, Detective La Toya:
It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently become father to a baby boy. As agreed with the baby’s mother, who prefers to have her identity kept confidential, my son will be under my exclusive guardianship. No further information will be provided on this subject and I request everyone to fully respect my right to privacy (and that of the child) at least on issues as personal as these are.
Is this a hoax? Is Balloon Boy’s daddy Crispy Ronaldo’s new Twittermaster?!
So the mother of Crispy’s kid just gave up custody without trying to snatch as many oil-covered bills as possible from him? What fun is that?! WAIT. Maybe this unnamed woman is really a surrogate, and Crispy plans to raise with the baby with Kaká (Yes, Kaká aka The Best Name Ever is going to leave his wife to marry Crispy in a tanning bed). Together they will train CrispyKaká Jr. in the art of brow plucking and suntanning just until your skin is about to boil over and fall off. Crispy will also give CrispyKaká Jr. the secret on how to keep your entire body as greasy as a power bottom’s ass after a butt orgy. Yes, this is how it’s going to play out.