Joe Francis Is Going To Be Somebody’s Husband

Speaking of getting punched, the man with a face who makes fists everywhere start up their engines has announced that he has found a real-life human being that has agreed to marry him. Correction: A real-life human being that has agreed to enter into a domestic partnership agreement with him. And Joe didn’t even have to roofie her Bacardi Breezer to get her to agree to it! I think.

Joe tells Page Six that he is engaged to CBS entertainment reporter Christina McLarty. Joe and Christina have been dating on-and-off for the past four years. Joe didn’t fart out a date, but he says they will be planning their domestic partnership ceremony this weekend. You know Christina is going to wear a dress made out of Girls Gone Wild t-shirts and will arrive at the venue in a GGW carriage drawn by horses with protruding nipples. Instead of throwing petals, the flower girl will just pull her shirt up and down as she skips down the aisle.

Joe also explained to Page Six why they decided to have a domestic partnership instead of a marriage:

“We have chosen to have a civil domestic partnership because we don’t believe it’s appropriate to be married until our gay and lesbian friends are afforded the same rights as us to legally marry in the United States.”

You already know that I’m a jaded and bitter bitch, so it shouldn’t surprise you when I say: JOE STOP! This douchebag asshole really wants me to believe that he’s standing up for the gays and gayelles of America?! Yes, let’s just put his fug mug on the pride flag and give him the key to Oz. Joe is just using the “I care about the gays” excuse to get out of getting married. Well played, Joe.