The Experts Have Spoken: Bachelor Jake Is Probably Gay

June 29, 2010 / Posted by:

When Vienna Sausage started crying zig zaggy tears (You know, because she’s wonky eyed….womp womp…I know) about how Jake Pavelka of The Bachelor didn’t want to fuck her, many made the assumption that this must mean he only gets thirsty for peen. Because what straight dude wouldn’t want to go dizzy while trying to gaze into Vienna’s cross eyes during sexy times? Well, Radar asked several professional experts about Jake’s sexuality and they do believe that his no-no probably chirps for dick. And by “professional experts” I mean some losers from The Bachelor and Bachelorette. Let’s read what these assholes farted out:

Paul from The Bachelorette 4: “I definitely think he has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. Nothing personal, Jake!

An unnamed bitch from Jake’s season of The Bachelor: “I think he has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies.”

Richard from The Bachelorette 4: “I’m not sure if he is gay, but it seems he just has no experience with those types of women that are on the show.”

An unnamed bitch from The Bachelorette 4: “I couldn’t tell you if the guy is gay but I do have one word for you — goober! Jake always struck me as a phony, he never was really himself. He always trying and trying and trying to impress.”

Thank you, experts! Yes, the closest you’ve come to a gay person is the time you stopped to watch Will & Grace for a few minutes while channel surfing, but your expert opinion is still appreciated!

Paul is right, by the way. The Gay Tendencies Store (which is right next to The Montenegro Style Boutique) is always out of grey t-shirts and fugly washed jeans. But seriously, you know what makes me think that maybe just maybe Bachelor Jake isn’t gay? The cell phone strapped to his pocket! No self-respecting gay does that! You either carry it like a clutch or stuff it between your nalgas.

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