Larry King Is Over This Shit

June 29, 2010 / Posted by:

Larry King Live first premiered via hieroglyphics on a cave wall a million years ago, so it’s been a long time coming for Larry to hang up his suspenders and let his pants fall to the ground so that he can slither back to his tomb in his thong diapers. Larry has announced that his show on CNN will end this fall after 25 years.

Larry says he wants to spend more time with his family. Basically, he means he wants to spend his days humping on the leg of his wife’s sister in between chewing on the decomposing skin of the dead. Here’s Larry’s full statement:

Before I start the show tonight, I want to share some personal news with you. 25 years ago, I sat across this table from New York Governor Mario Cuomo for the first broadcast of Larry King Live.

Now, decades later, I talked to the guys here at CNN and I told them I would like to end Larry King Live, the nightly show, this fall and CNN has graciously accepted, giving me more time for my wife and I to get to the kids’ little league games.

I’ll still be a part of the CNN family, hosting several Larry King specials on major national and international subjects.

I’m incredibly proud that we recently made the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest running show with the same host in the same time slot. With this chapter closing I’m looking forward to the future and what my next chapter will bring, but for now it’s time to hang up my nightly suspenders.

Larry will still host specials and shit for CNN. CNN has yet to officially name his replacement, but both Gaycrest and Piers Morgan are rumored to be in the running for his spot.

Eff Gaycrest and Piers. Without Larry around, who’s going to fuck up the names of guests and bumble around for questions? HOLD the catheter. There’s only one old bitch who has what it takes to replace Larry:

QUICK! Somebody wake Andy Rooney up from his 12th nap of the day by tugging at his overgrown eye shrubs! Andy’s got a new show to do..doo!

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