That “sssssss” sound you hear isn’t the snake of sin coming to drag my ass into the quarantine zone that is hell so that I don’t bring gangrene into heaven. That sound is “ex-gay” (I Really Can’t) Adam Hood lisping all over the place while telling us about how God cracked his whip at him in the Castro and turned him straight (I Really Can’t: The Sequel).
I know this mess should make me want to print out a still of Adam’s face and tape it to a punching bag, but this is so damn hilarious that I just want to grab him by the fancy gold scarf he bought in the ladies section at Macy’s and say to him, “GIRL STOP!!!” The sooner he realizes he’s gayer than a sequined unicorn, the sooner he can proudly jack off to the International Male catalog without crying.
P.S. – If this isn’t satire I will wear that gold scarf as a halter top while getting whipped by a dude nicknamed God in the Castro.