It’s The New Thing!

June 21, 2010 / Posted by:

If an emotion called jealousy filled you up after reading about how Jeremy London’s kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, then find yourself a car with a flat tire and hit the streets of Palm Springs, because apparently that kind of shit happens all the time! That’s what Jeremy’s wife Melissa seems to think anyway. In an interview with Radar, Melissa says that the nay-saying bitches out there should stop fucking them with the doubt stick, because it could happen to you. “PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!” – Lindsay Lohan

Melissa, who was also kidnapped but later driven home after she started crying, says that she is scared for her life still, because the cops have yet to find two of the kidnapping crackhead makers. Brandon Adams was already arrested and charged with stealing an idea from an episode of Six Feet Under.

Melissa went on to pull all of our dicks, “This is real. Jeremy’s still in shock. He was very scared. People don’t understand that police only have one of the guys in custody. There are still two suspects out there. We’re very scared. I just hope this never happens to them. Police told us this is the new thing to do down here (Ed note: The police didn’t tell them that)… rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more.

We’re working with police to get the other two guys behind bars. Brandon Adams has already given a partial confession. As a woman and as a mother, I just want these people behind bars.”

Oh, and about that “mother” part. Melissa and Jeremy lost custody of their son Lyrik, because they named him Lyrik. No, they lost custody because of their addiction to the bad shit. Surprise, surprise.

This whole shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier. But what’s even crazier is that this is my 4th post about Jeremy London! It’s as if someone kidnapped me in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box and forced me to write about him over and over again. I wish they would force me to smoke crack instead. Oh, well. Maybe next time since this is the new thing.

And the detectives on this case should really investigate as to whether Melissa is in fact a plastic ventriloquist’s dummy made by the makers of the Real Doll (SPOILER ALERT: She is).

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