And Now Miley Cyrus Has Fucking Done It!

Grease up my face with petro jelly from The Dollar Tree and stick razors in my hair, because Miley Cyrus has gone too far this time. If she wants to go around looking like a slutty crow who will suck a fat flea off a dead pigeon, then that’s a fight for the slutty crows out there. It’s not my fight. But here she is at last night’s MuchMusic Awards in Toronto looking like the suburban white girl who will do whatever it takes to be embraced by the exquisite cholitas in her hood. Even if it means thrusting her crotch in a makeshift strip club in someone’s garage in order to raise bail money for their homeboy Chepe. This is like a drive-by-shooting to my SOUL! A black tattooed tear just appeared below my left eye.

I have a feeling that Miley tried to finish this look by kissing her brows with a Sharpie, but it was a impossible task because every Sharpie got a serious case of cotton mouth when she touched it. They were not going to be a part of this fuckery. The only gang sign I’ve got for this bitch involves my middle finger.

And if that wasn’t hurtful enough, here’s La Beaver Girl’s wannabe cholita look in action. Miley moves around like a roach after getting sprayed with RAID. Just stomp on it with your chankla next time.

Seriously, I feel like I’ve just been jumped. My ear is bleeding like someone just pulled out my gold hoop earrings. And my eyes are swole like someone just punched me with a fist full of gold rings they stole from their abuelita’s jooree box.

And I don’t even know what to say about that mummy hooker leotard she wore in the pictures below. That mess is so tight that you can see her hymen (yes, that was a trick statement).