Jeremy London Was Kidnapped By The Most Polite Crackheads In Palm Springs

June 19, 2010 / Posted by:

Jeremy London’s remake of that Six Feet Under episode where David Fisher gets kidnapped and is forced to smoke crack just got a rewrite! The only way this saga could get more unbelievable is if it turns out Jeremy London is telling the truth! In case a gun-toting crackhead kidnapped you and forced you smoke to the bad shit so you could forget all about this story, let me drop it in your brain again.

Jeremy London of Party of Five told Palm Springs police that two men he thought were going to help him change a flat tire ended up pulling a gun on his ass and forced him into his own car. Jeremy says that they drove him around and forced him to smoke crack. They apparently also made him buy and hand out booze in “gang areas” of Palm Springs. Jeremy later escaped. One of Jeremy’s alleged kidnappers, Brandon Adams, was later arrested and charged with hood rad stuff in the first degree. Brandon pleaded not guilty. Well, today’s twist involves Jeremy’s wife….

Apparently, Jeremy’s wife Melissa Cunningham was also kidnapped! Radar Online says that Melissa was with Jeremy when he got a flat tire. A source says that Melissa begged the kidnappers to let her go and she started crying. Since the kidnappers are obviously the second coming of Mother Theresa they drove her the fuck home and let her go but they kept Jeremy! Yes, just like that.

Let me guess, the kidnappers also opened the door for her and walked her inside. Then they made her a cup of chamomile tea, brushed her hair and massaged her wrists with lavender oil until she calmed down. Then they politely wrote their full names on a piece of rose-scented stationary and handed it to Melissa along with a telephone so she could call the police after they left. I mean, Jeremy is really waving a pinky finger in our faces and telling us it’s a 9-inch dick.

And just like Jeremy, Melissa also has a bad history with drugs. Both Melissa and Jeremy have to go through random drug tests because of the custody issue involving their 3-year-old son Lyrik. Lyrik is currently staying with Melissa’s mother.

So not only are Jeremy’s kidnappers nice enough to share their crack, but they also took pity on one of their captors and drove her home. Fuck prison time. Give them a Noble Peace Prize.

Part of me thinks this is all part of Jeremy’s master plan. Jeremy is telling these tall tales of fuckery so that truTV can turn his ordeal into a movie, which means he can play himself, which means he’ll actually get a check. Survey says that Jeremy is doing a good job in making that happen.

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