Cookie Puss vs. White Oprah

June 17, 2010 / Posted by:

(start of fictional dramatization) Yesterday afternoon, White Oprah was passed out in the bushes of her front yard from drinking too many Sea Breezes when Nana Lohan woke her up by spraying her in the face with the garden hose. Nana Lohan threw Ali’s Carvel Black Card (more on that mess later) at White Oprah and told her to go get her son Cody a birthday cake. White Oprah knows not to question Nana Lohan so she washed the mysterious substances out of her mouth with the garden hose, pulled up her pants, got in the car and headed over to Carvel to get her boy a cake! (end of fictional dramatization)

White Oprah picked out a cake at Carvel and handed the employee Ali’s fancy Carvel Black Card. The Carvel Black Card is for VIPs only and it gives them free ice cream for 75 years. Well, the employee knows all about White Oprah’s low-budget tricks, so he asked her for an ID. That’s when the Fudgie the Whale hit the fan.

While holding back tears, White Oprah gave Radar all the emotional details of her trying ordeal:

“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy! I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?! He wouldn’t give it back… not even to the cops! Finally he gave up and gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people. Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”

Oh, boo hoo in your big nostrils, you dumb bitch! You can print that out on paper, roll it up and then shove it up your ass. I swear. At least that horrible family has a Carvel Black Card. They should be thankful for that. Every time I want to lick on Cookie Puss or give fellatio to Fudgie the Whale, I have to pull out my Body Glove wallet like a common john!

“We get treated so much worse than regular people.” Regular people pay for birthday cakes, you idiotic pig with the self-entitlement of a billion Kanyes. How dare that hag. She has yet to earn the right to sit next to such beautiful creations as Cookie Puss and Fudgie.

If I was that employee I would’ve snatched that card, snorted up the coke residue White Oprah left on it, sprayed whipped cream on top and then shoved it down her froat! Without a cherry, thankyouverymuch.

And yes, I always get this angry when dumb bitches fuck with Cookie Puss.

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