Hot Slut Of The Day!
If they ever made a basic cable midnight movie about my abuelita’s life story called Cállate La Boca (working title: Chankla To The Mouth), the legendary Lupe Ontiveros would be the frontrunner to play the lead role (that’s if this hot bitch turned it down first). Lupe is a master at throwing a cold-blooded death eye that could mute the bitchiness out of any child and turn a piece of flan into liquid in zero seconds flat. Lupe knows.
Lupe is the Latin Margo Martindale, because she’s been in every single TV show and movie ever made. And that’s an understatement. Lupe says she’s played a maid at least 150 times. Lupe has held a bottle of Windex and a dirty rag in her hand in everything from The Goonies to Charlie’s Angels to As Good As It Gets. But Lupe took that shit to a whole new level in Storytelling where she played Consuelo, the NOT THE ONE housekeeper who gassed an entire family after they wrongly fired her ass. Why was I the only one in the theater cheering that bitch on?
But when the Academy finally bestows Lupe with a Lifetime Achievement Oscar, they shouldn’t include all the clips of her playing a maid. Lupe should be honored for Chuck & Buck, Selena (where she played the MURDERER!!!!!more exclamation points here!!!!!) and for playing a anti-chunk terrorist in Real Women Have Curves. Not to mention that Lupe earned a special place in my no-heart for throwing the cuntery at that dumb bitch Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. Viva Lupe!
(For Katie)