Nice Try, CROCS!

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

A recent poll shows that the majority of the world’s population has jumped over to the light side and now believes that CROCS are made from the charred souls of Satan’s slaves in the depths of HELL (I’m lying, there’s no such poll). That is exactly why the CROCS main PR department, whose offices are in the 6th circle, is trying to win you back by pulling at your heart strings until your arteries split open and bleed tears made of AWWWWWWs. Example: This story about an adorable PAID LITTLE ACTOR English boy whose young life was saved thanks to a pair of CROCS! You feel the first string tugging already, don’t you. WEAK FUCKS!

Danielle Sutton-Dormer of Essex tells the Daily Mail that her 3-year-old son Harley got electrocuted from a faulty blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room at a leisure centre near their home. Harley suffered a few minor burns, but the paramedics said it could’ve been much much worse if he wasn’t wearing the lifesaving CROCS. Harley’s mother said, “The paramedic said he was really lucky he was wearing Crocs shoes at the time, as they stopped the electricity going through his legs and coming out of his feet and probably saved him from serious injury.”

The moral of the story is, do not use a fucked up blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room! But if the importance of hair forces you to do so, slip two giant rubber vaginas over your feet or stand on two dildos. They will also stop the shock and you won’t look like a complete fool. Okay, you will look like a complete fool (who is mostly likely on some kind of government list), but at least you won’t be contributing to EVIL!

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