More Like “Exquisite Angel Rehab”

Unless you’re my neighbor who is staring at me through his window with binoclausrs, you can’t tell that I’m dancing in front of my laptop in lucite heels, because God has sent down a virgin dove from heaven to deliver a very important message to the world: THE EMPRESS OF LUCITE IS GOING TO BE ON CELEBRITY REHAB!!!!!!! The clouds in my world had gone dark after Rue McClanahan’s death, but a light wrapped in lucite is now shining through.

TMZ says that Shauna has clicked her exquisite lucite heels and is floating to Dr. Drew’s rehab facility in Pasadena right now. They didn’t say if her addiction is to lucite or elegant ensembles from the Frederick’s of Hollywood outlet, but I have a feeling Shauna is just doing this out of the goodness of her saintly heart. Shauna heard that the show is in danger of being sent to the guillotine because they didn’t have any big celebrities, so she decided to lend her A-list (DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH!) name so that the show can go on. The Empress of Lucite’s heart is as giving as her vagina. The Mother Theresa of porn stars.

Shauna will join a cast that already includes Tila Tequila, Gummi Bear and Jason Wahler. See what I mean? It’s like fine caviar fresh out of a beluga’s vagina surrounded by rotten pieces of government cheese that have been nibbled on by rabies infested rats.

But Vh1 should really consider changing the name, because Shauna Sand is more than a celebrity. She’s nothing short of an angelic goddess with hair that resembles the waterfalls in heaven. So yeah, a name change is needed.