Things That Make Sense: St. Angie Is A Voodoo Priestess

Star Magazine is all about exclamation points this week!!! And the exclamation points are coming from the mouth of author Andrew Morton who claims he has a ton of escandaloso shit on St. Angie Jo.

Andrew’s Brangelina tell-all doesn’t come out until August, but he pulled down his pants and let Star Magazine get a peek before it comes out. Andrew claims that St. Angie is an Ethan Hawke-fucking, LSD devouring voodoo priestess of evil.

Andrew tells Star, “I interviewed dozens of her friends and associates, and they told me some fascinating facts about Angelina and her relationship with Brad. She will have to wait to find out what’s in it.”

So Andrew really wants us to believe that St. Angie is a regular Miss Jeanette from True Blood? Let me guess…. A few nights before a Jennifer Aniston movie opens, St. Angie hoists Billy Goat Brad up by his hooves over a cauldron and makes him wail while she dances around with a severed Beanie Baby head around her neck. On Billy Goat’s third wail, she throws a few pieces of Aniston’s movie poster into the pot and makes Maddox smear chocolate chip cookie dough all over her face. St. Angie does this to make sure Aniston’s movie bombs at the box office. Hmmm. Yeah, I believe it.