For me this season of American Idol was like that fuck buddy who is the laziest lay and takes years to cum, but you always call them up on a Saturday night when you’re feeling the itch because you know they’re always around and ready to go. I tried to get into that shit. I sucked my bong until it was filled with tumbleweeds while watching it, but even that didn’t work. Something was missing….and that something was every pharmaceutical executive’s wet dream girl Paula Abdul!
How could I deal with Ellen Degeneres (aka the nail in the coffin) blinking like a brain dead bunny with Tourettes without Paula Abdul there to get me contact high? But Paula returned to the Idol stage last night after the producers left a trail of Ludes from her bathroom to the studio! Paula showed up in Skat Cat jammies, but the costumers were able to throw a dress together using some scraps found in Crystal Bowersox’s dreads and a few pasties from Simon Cowell’s dressing room. Speaking of Simon, he is the sole reason for why Paula dragged herself out of the pill bottle last night.
It was Simon’s last episode and Paula gave a touching farewell speech that you could only understand if you put an empty whiskey bottle up the screen and put your ear to it. At one point, I thought Paula was going to go off script and start telling off all the producers who evicted her from the show. I thought it was going to be one of those “YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS” moments which would lead to two men in white coats (Ruben and Justin Guarini, because they need the money) rushing on stage and injecting her with a strong sedative (aka Kara Dioshutthefuckup’s saliva).
Sadly, that didn’t happen, but Paula still managed to put together an incoherent rambling mess of a goodbye monologue. Watch it below. By the way, the video is totally in synch with the audio. It’s Paula’s mouth and words that are not in synch:
As for the rest of the episode, it was like the worst Jerry Lewis telethon ever complete with sickly kids (I’m looking at you, Archuleta). Some dude named Lee DeWyze won that shit. Lee is like the mulch you get when you leave David Cook and Kris Allen in your backyard compost pile for a few months, so at least Idol is consistent with their winners.
Personally, I wanted Crystal to win, only because she looks like Taylor Swift’s crazy aunt who lives in a mobile home behind a Piggly Wiggly and is always going on about her magic stones. That aunt who is always begging Taylor to buy her 100 lottery tickets, because she saw the winning numbers in the toilet while trying to make sure she’s shitting out banana-shaped poops.
So that’s that. I’m telling myself that the entire season was just a horrific nightmare Paula Abdul had while she was in a Vicodin-induced coma. If you pan out, you’ll see Vincent the Dog lying next to her.