If Tiger Woods Only Knew

When Tila Tequila was announced as one of the wrecks on the next season of Celebrity Rehab, I figured she was going in just to feed her addiction to camera lenses and fakery. But Radar claims that Tila is addicted to Ambien. Specifically, Tila loves to crush up Ambien pills and snort that that shit up her lizard nostril.

The source close to Tila who is probably Tila herself told Radar, “She would base her entire day around it. She would wake up, snort Ambien, Google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep.”

Tila wrote on her blog that she needs to clean up her mess for the sake of her gigantic media empire: “I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life! I MUST not be another ‘LINDSAY LOHAN’ where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…”

Tila is in luck, because I’m pretty sure the toilet would spit that shit back out.

You know, Ambien ain’t shit. Ambien is doing all of us wrong, because it’s supposed to put those annoying bitches to sleep! Instead it’s keep them up and giving them a reason to act the fool. Tiger Woods can do all sorts of filthy Donkey Punch stuff and then blame it on Ambien. Tila can scoot her skid marks all over Twitter and then blame it on Ambien. Ambien needs to go an “Eat Pray Love” journey of self-discovery, so it can come back and do what it’s supposed to do: Knock those bitches out!