But Where’s The Tea Bag?

May 25, 2010 / Posted by:

Answer: He swallowed it. Soooooo…Tommy Girl is on the cover of Esquire’sHow To Be A Man” issue (too. fucking. easy.), and in it he talks about everything from riding a bike to the dick cheesy shit that comes out of his mouth before he goes to bed with Stepford Katie every night. Tommy sounds borderline sane in this interview, so I’m guessing Suri and L. Ron Hubbard’s hologram stayed up all night writing out his answers. Here’s a few choice quotes:

Tommy Girl on how he knows how to work a pair of sequined hot pants under a disco ball: “If anyone was teasing my sisters, I really felt it… I’d create different characters and ad-lib sketches to make my sisters and my mother feel better. I’d try to make them laugh. I’d do Donald Duck as John Wayne. I’d watch Soul Train and imitate the dancers. I guess you can say that’s where it started. I always had a dream to be in movies, [my family] didn’t say, That’s impossible. They laughed.”

Tommy Girl on how he knows how to ride a roaring bitch: “Now, I’d ridden bikes a lot. When I was a kid, I’d set up ramps for jumps, like Evel Knievel, and crash all the time. I’d done it all — but never on a minibike. I got on. Of course, all I wanted to do was go fast, so I hit the throttle. I started off by a neighbor’s yard, went past our yard, which had a little hump, and suddenly I was airborne… Rrrrrrrrrrr! The minibike is still going. Oh, no, I’m alive… Okay, I’m alive. The minibike was wedged between the bumpers of the two cars. What a lesson: Know before you go. [You don’t] have to curb your enthusiasm. Just fill it in with a little knowledge.”

Tommy Girl on the couch abuse incident: “What happened, happened… I wanted the audience to be happy just like I wanted to make my sisters and my mother happy when I did those skits as a kid. But I’ll take responsibility for my actions… Afterward, wild things were being said about me, and once they’re in the ether, there’s nothing you can do about it. It felt like being the new kid in the schoolyard again and the other kids are whispering and whispering about you and suddenly you hear what they’re saying, and you think, What? That didn’t happen. Look at the reality of the situation.”

Tommy Girl on his love for Stepford Katie: “Because we do live in a cynical world. It’s easy to be cynical. Making the choice not to be cynical is important. You can keep dwelling on what didn’t work, or you can figure out how to fix it. Which is what being a parent is all about. You know, I’m married to such a special woman. Every night before we go to sleep, Kate and I look at each other and it’s like, How’d we do today?”

And as the images of fish in an aquarium start to flash in Stepford Katie’s eyes, Tommy Girl hits CLT+ALT+DELETE to put her to bed. Then he sprays the dust out of her ears with canned air and gently pulls the computer cover up to her neck before tip-toeing down to his dungeon to cuddle with a pair of tightey whiteys he snatched from David Beckham’s gym bag.

You know, Tommy Girl is right! Being cynical is as easy shit.

Here’s Tommy, Katie, Suri, and a few of her friends leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Suri’s a little pissed, because she wants to be the one wearing platform heels.

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