Prepare yourself for the upcoming headline: “Elin Nordegren buys majority shares in Sanofi-Aventis, announces the discontinuation of Ambien – In possibly related news, Tiger Woods spontaneously combusts“. That’s because the Chicago Sun-Times (via NYDN) reports that Elin Nordegren wants three quarters of a billion dollars in a divorce settlement from Tiger Woods.
Apparently, their divorce war is getting messier than Tiger’s hand after pulling out his mistress’ dirty tampon and they are no longer talking to each other. Elin is demanding $750 million and she has thrown his lawyers a “BITCH NO” when they asked her to sign a lifetime “confidentiality clause” which would prevent her from spilling Tiger’s secrets. Elin also wants full custody of the chirruns.
If Tiger Woods’ checking account actually spits up $750 million into Elin’s waiting arms, every aspiring gold digger will add her picture to their wall of inspiration and pray to her every day!
While some people are trying to make complete meals out of hickory chips and relish packets from Wienerschnitzel, Elin will be dining on deep fried $1000 bills served by Rachel Uchitel in a custom-made pig costume. Yes, Rachel Uchitel in a pig costume is redundant, but that shit will please Elin.