Open Post: Hosted By Killer Asparagus

May 21, 2010 / Posted by:

The small Japanese town of Bibai is currently being terrorized by the Jolly Green Giant’s skinny dick which sprouted up through the pavement. The end is obviously near. Prepare yourself by grabbing a water gun filled with mayonnaise. Yes, I eat my asparagus with mayonnaise. Now is not the time for your judgments when we’re about to be impaled by raw vegetables.

Splash News (via Telegraph) has the details of our impending doom:

Attack of the killer asparagus! Aggressive asparagus have been causing vegetable vandalism in a small Japanese town. Residents of Bibai on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido have been stunned to see spears of asparagus shooting up through their streets.

The area is renowned for its cultivation of green asparagus but the healthy foodstuff is turning into a headache for motorists as it erupts through asphalt on rural roads.

They say it’s not Photoshopped, but I’m under the assumption that the entire magical land of Japan is Photoshopped, so I’m not sure what to believe. But if this is real-life, I hope this giant asparagus doesn’t land in the crotch of the wrong slut. Us sluts will fuck anything that remotely resembles a peen, so it will be bad news if that happens. The fumes will suffocate us all!

In more important news, it’s a slow day.

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