Professor Whore Face’s Class Is In Session!

Megan Fox is out promoting something or another, and you know what that means?! Tape a dental dam over your ears, put on a sturdy helmet (there will be head knocking) and get yourself a pair of tweezers and a kitten to pluck, because Megan has more profound words of wisdom for you!

Allure Magazine put a dime in Megan’s slot and kicked at her knees to get her to work so that they could ask her a few questions. This latest lecture from Megan is a little more personal. It’s like On the Road meets a poem about pigeons written by a crackhead on a JcPenney catalog using his own shit. YES!

Megan on being OCD: “This is a sickness, I have an illness. (Ed. note: You can stop right there, Megan. The thought is already complete) Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot into the air.”

Megan on using restaurant forks: “Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been (Ed note: This is a parody, right?), just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!”

Megan on how she curses a lot during interviews: “I was trying to be lighthearted and have a sense of humor. But I have no desire to express it, really, anymore, because I’ve always been fucked doing so.”

Megan on cooking: “I’ll starve to death before I’ll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating.”

Are you still with us? Did you stick your skinniest finger into your ear to poke your brains out? I hope you didn’t, because Megan has just begun. Megan is truly the sluttiest philosopher on the stroll, because she makes it oh-so-easy. Megan’s thoughts always have their legs wide open waiting for you to insert your jokes. Thank you, Megan!

I mean, the part about the toilet shooting nastiness into the air? How does Megan think the toilet feels? I wonder if Megan has figured out why toilets shut their lids whenever she walks by and refuse to open for her? While she’s peeing in the sink, she’s probably thinking to herself, “My omni-powerful brain waves knocked the seat down.” No, it’s the toilet protecting itself from the droplets of diarrhea wafting out of Megan’s mouth. Even toilets have their limits.

Here’s Megan walking into Harvard University yesterday to address the graduating class of 2010. They are so lucky.