Blohan vs. The Volcano

May 18, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan’s DUI progress report is this Thursday in Beverly Hills, and the judge has demanded that she be there or else there will be a bench warrant on her ass for not showing up. The problem is that LiLo is all the way in Cannes “promoting” her role in the Linda Lovelace biopic.

TMZ’s sources say that LiLo, who is known to burp up clouds of smoke herself, is unable to get a flight back to the US due to ash from Iceland’s volcano fucking with the air space. Cue the remaining member of Milli Vanilli, “Blame it on the asssssh that was fallin’ faaaaalllin.

If this bitch doesn’t show up to court, that judge better knock her down. If it was you or me, the judge would politely tell us to take our excuse, roll it into a tight ball and shove it up our culitos until it kissed our bladder and made a sound.

Ash my ass (no really, my ass is ashy). LiLo can easily turn her vag flaps into a hang glider and fly her ass over there. Or TAKE A KAYAK! Or charm a whale with the howls from your blowhole and get him to give you a ride back to California. Bitch has ways!

Here’s The Delusional One wearing a DIY dress at a Chopard party in Cannes last night. My guess is that the security tag was at the bottom, so she just cut that shit right off.

I also threw in pictures of other hos at last night’s party including: some creature who crawled out of the Iceland volcano, Baby Jesus, Kate Beckinsale, Marion Cotillard, Wonks and Nicky Hilton.

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