The floors of clubs all over Los Angeles will be a little cleaner this week, because Lindsay Lohan isn’t around to spill drinks on them or stain them with her fake tan grease when she stumbles down in a drunken stupor. LiLo will be busy doing that in Cannes this week while she’s promoting the Linda Lovelace biopic, which she’s starring in. So if you see her doing a line, it’s research! And if you see her doing another line, it’s a reward for being so dedicated to her craft.
If LiLo wants to yell at the pavement for making her fall, yell at the toilet for making her barf into it and yell at a bottle of Jack for being too delicious, can she please do it with an even coat of fake tanner on her body? Bitch has the skin color of a freshly used piece of toilet paper. A little yellow here, a lot of brown here, a few speckles of orange and a lot of white. A mess! Since The Curious Case of Ali Lohan is always tugging at her ass cheeks, LiLo should get her to evenly apply a coat of TANG with a roller when she’s taking a nap on the bathroom floor.