This morning, former Food Network star Juan-Carlos Cruz is trying to make a healthy low-cal jail house breakfast out of roach meat, cock queso, and prison porridge so that he can be ready for his first court appearance in Santa Monica today. That’s because CNN reports that Juan-Carlos was arrested for trying to hire three homeless guys to kill his wife for $1,000. Somebody lost too much weight in their BRAINS.
The trio of homeless dudes, Big Dave, Little Dave and Shane (no, they aren’t a country music group), told TMZ that Juan-Carlos approached them and offered up $1,000 if they cut his wife’s froat. During their first meeting, Juan-Carlos gave Little Dave a box cutter, a prepaid cell phone, gloves, a pocket watch and half of the money in hundred dollar bills. Because hiring homeless people to carry out an elaborate murder plan isn’t dumb enough, Juan-Carlos showed the dudes a picture of the other half of the money. Juan-Carlos said they would get it as soon as they killed his wife.
That’s the shit that really gets me. The dumb fuck whipped out a shiny picture of a stack of money and dangled it front of their eyes like it meant something. Now Jon Gosselin is going to do the same thing with a picture of Tommy Lee’s dick.
Big Dave says that during the second meeting with Juan-Carlos, he showed the dudes a picture of his wife and went over the plan. Juan-Carlos said that he picked up his wife from the same place each day and wanted one of the homeless dues to stab her as she got into the car.
The jig exploded after Big Dave got arrested for loitering. He spilled everything and cooperated with the cops to catch Juan-Carlos. And now Juan-Carlos is sitting in a cell on $5 million bail…
This is why Juan-Carlos needs more cells in his brains. Bitch didn’t need to hire three hobos or bother his camera by taking pictures of a few $100 bills. If he really wanted to cause physical harm to his wife, he should’ve just sent her to have a meal at Sandra Lee’s house.