DanRad Wants Cristiano Ronaldo’s Body

Since thousands of penis aficionados lined up to see DanRad’s crotch wand in (Guilty!!!), the producers of the upcoming Broadway revival of EquusHow To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying are going for the same approach. Apparently, they want DanRad to bare his nipples in a couple of scenes and it’s got him reaching for the ab roller.

A source tells The Sun, “Daniel wants to completely re-sculpt his body and has taken Ronaldo as his inspiration. He envies his muscle definition and is hoping to get a similar six-pack for himself. Daniel is taking his fitness regime really seriously. He’s stopped drinking, knocked the fags on the head and is watching every mouthful. He put on a little timber last year and is keen to get down to a more svelte shape. He’s already lost nearly a stone in the past month.”

“Knocked the fags on the head” is today’s phrase that pays. That sounds like a naked version of Duck Duck Goose Kevin Spacey plays on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyways, DanRad does know the secret to Cristiano’s abs, right? Cristiano isn’t doing crunches in between slathering his body with duck sauce from Panda Express. No. Every day, Cristiano sits in front of his bathroom mirror and plucks each brow hair out with a pair of hot tweezers. The pain causes him to squeeze his ass cheeks and abs at the same time. Voila! So if DanRad wants a six-pack like Cristiano, he’s going to have to sacrifice his furry caterpillar friends.